Letters of the church of burgertimeBeing COMMANDER CASEY of the church of burgertime, SOUTH SAINT LOUIS PARISH
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January 2002
COMMANDER CASEY jive pastor of LOVE,
Yo! pontifex maximus,
Let me rap at you a minnit and tell you we started a church of burgertime in the HOOD in South St. Louis! This shit be da bomb! We've getting all up dey sheet and eatin the burgers and doing the SALUTE. MUCH LUCK, SEND US MONEY TODAY! Sho shittin. Me and my brother in law. Our congregation is growing each day and we couldn't have done it without you homey! ALL HAIL THE CHEF with his waving arms and dropping of the buns and shit. Pepper changed MY life. CHEF CAN SAVE YOU TOO! SEND MONEY NOW TO HELP US PAINT OUR HOUSE! WE NEED TO BUY CRACK!  Let me tell you about myself and my peeps. Let me tell you a sad old story with a HAPPY ENDING. I used to be a partying, bass playing, motorcycle driving, Quality Assurance web testing, out of control ANIMAL. I was in a band in California. We played all over the San Francisco Bay area, drinking, doing all sorts of illicit substances and partying with GIRLS! It was the rock and roll lifestyle and I was summarily self absorbed and OUT OF CONTROL. The GIRLS, the DRUGS, THE DRINKING, THE HORROR. GOOD VIBES AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU! CHECK OUT DE THROTTLEMEISTER. TANKBAG! SCOTTOILER! SEND ME SOME DAMN MONEY! I NEEDS TO FIX MY BIKE AGAIN!
I also collect motorcycles. Here is one of my bikes. Fast bikes and fast women, sho shittin. Dat's my LIFE OUT THERE. Fast bikes and fast women, that was my motto. But I was living a damn self destructive life style. Sure I had lot's of money and girls and drugs and brooze, but I wasn't complete. I was LONELY and SAD and INCOMPLETE. The band didn't make it and suddenly all my FAME was gone. No one wanted anything to do with me. I spent my nights drinking at my computer and downloading porn from alt.binaries newsgroups. It got so that my keyboard was so sticky it was unusable. My hard drive was full. I huffed cleaning fluids. I collected 1970s toys and lunch boxes.
WE GOT A PARTY IN OUR PANTS IN HERE! SEND US DAMN MONEY SO YOU CAN BE ONE WITH CHEF!!!
NOTHING could replace my FAME and I became withdrawn and distraut. It was some damn straight bunk dope. Then I found the CHURCH OF BURGERTIME! COME TO THE HOUSE WITH THE PINK STEPS! WE GOT NUTTIN TO DO. COME GET DE BLESSING OF DE CHEF PEPPAH. HE DA BOMBE! 
Your THREE TENETS showed me the light that is the dropping of the buns and the NIRVANA that can only be attained by oneness with CHEF PEPPER.
Now I play burgertime everyday. I don't TWEAK NO MORE! CHEF PEPPER IS MY TWEAK! I'm still a rebel and a rocker, but now, with CHEF as my guide, I feel complete. We started us a CHURCH of BURGERTIME fo us own here in SOUTH SAINT LOUIS. GO BLUES!
I AM THE CHEF! COME UP DE PINK STEPS! I WILL GIVE YOU A SPECIAL BLESSING! BRING ME BEER OR RUN IN FEAR! I CAN READ YO MIND!
ME and my homies hangout at the White Castle in South Saint Louis at 3601 Gravois Ave., St. Louis , MO 63116. Send money to Commander Casey of the church of burgertime there. Stop by and have a SACK OF BURGERS and SOME DEM GREASY TASTY FRIES. You send me money only, no checks, at least 40 dollars! If they can find me, I'll send you cold BURGERS IN A BAG wrapped up tight and safe with duct tape postmarked from SOUTH SAINT LOUIS, home of my church of burgertime! MAN THOSE BURGERS GIVE YOU GAS AND MAKE YOU FART! That's because the "Onions" in White Castle burgers have CABBAGE IN THEM. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??????? HAIL CHEF PEPPER!  
THANK YOU CHURCH OF BURGERTIME! THANK YOU MUCH LUCK! SEND MONEY AND PRESENTS. MY BIRTHDAY IS EVERY DAY!
WHITE CASTLE MIXES KETCHUP AND MUSTARD BEFORE APPLYING IT TO THE BUN! I FART ALOT NOW! I REGULAR! LUCKY LUCKY AND YOU CAN BE TOO WITH WHITE CASTLE BURGERS! ALL HAIL CHEF! |
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